LaLaLove

Since Zen's death I've acquired a little baby silver convertible Mini Cooper, Mia Lawrence. "Lawrence" was Zen's middle name, and he hated hated HATED being called "Larry." I digress. I haven't had time to take her to the places he and I shared, as I said I would in my previous blog. But I will. She's a pleasure.
I got her partially because of Zen. He and I both loved driving - found true joy in it. It was bittersweet that he died doing just that. His car was a piece of POOOOOP. So much was wrong with it that, one day when I tried to surprise him by fixing something on it, my mechanic just shook his head. There was nowhere to begin, and not enough time. Fittingly.
I hesitated also to get my first convertible, but the first time (EVER) that I drove one was just this March 24, with him, the very car he died by rolling after "Dukes of Hazarding" it off a gravel pile. We laughed and sang Guns 'n' Roses (the stereo worked, sort of) down the Sunset Strip that day and I will never forget the feeling of elation. (I know I can really be myself with someone if I can sing at the top of my lungs with them. I'm an excellent singer but people I'm uncomfortable don't know it, because I won't really sing with them. And drunk singing doesn't count, because I suck when I'm drunk).
Zen might not have died were he not in a convertible with the top down, but yeah, he would have. That stupid f-ing car. We all hate it so much. He was actually in the process of buying a new one.
That's what I've been learning lately from these recent deaths of young men so close to my heart. My friend CK said it - a first line from a poem I'd long forgotten - "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." And I am.
My Hyundai Lucille epitomized responsibility. She was way paid off, got like 40 miles to the gallon, had a big trunk. But I had named her appropriately. She's now serving a LOVELY Bosnian grad student who was giddy with glee to acquire Lucille, just as I am giddy to get Mia Lawrence, thinking of Bob and Zen and trying to savor the wind and the views Lucille couldn't afford me.
I love to drive. I'm connected to Zen that way. It's going to be ok; just stay present. We only got one life, we gotta do what we should.